Monday, February 19, 2018

Stilton Says: Presidents Day Edition

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To honor Presidents Day, which we traditionally do by trying to forget that Barack Obama ever happened, we're taking a Presidential approach to today's blog. Which is to say we're glancing at whatever's on our desk, scribbling a few words which may or may not be salient, then quickly moving on to the next topic so we can finish in time for a round of golf. Except that in our case, it's a round of drinks.

Mueller's Indictments - After a long (and unfortunately ongoing) investigation, Bob Mueller has revealed that a bunch of Russians had 9-to-5 day jobs which consisted of posting bullcrap on Facebook and Twitter, not to help elect anyone, but just to screw with our heads.  An effort which falls somewhere between minor espionage and snickering assholery.

We are shocked - shocked! - to discover that it's not a good idea to get your news from blips and blurps on social media, nor is it a great idea for Americans to forward inflammatory political messages without first checking to see if they're factual.

This is, we suppose, evidence of Russian "meddling" in an election (and not for the first time), but semantics matter (unless you're anti-semantic) and meddling simply means the Russian trolls were sand in America's vasoline - irritating, annoying, and inconsequential. "Meddling" does not mean "affecting the outcome of the election," which flat out didn't happen.

Trump's Sex Shenanigans - Frankly, my dears, we don't give a damn. We don't know if the accusations are true, but we do know that it's really nobody's business except Donald and Melania Trump. If he's screwing around on her, then he's a cad and a scoundrel. If, on the other hand, he has her permission to enjoy occasional flings and does so with porn stars and Playboy centerfolds, we can only shake our heads and say "it must be fun to be a billionaire."

This represents no hypocrisy on our part when compared to our feelings about Bill Clinton. Trump hasn't spattered the Oval Office with DNA while screwing young interns, he hasn't committed violent rape and then have his wife cover it up, he hasn't lied about it while under oath, and he hasn't done it on taxpayer-funded time. As Hillary was so fond of saying, "it's time to move on."

Black Panther Movie - This thing is a huge box office success, and critics are proclaiming it to be a great and socially important film because if they didn't, they would be called racists. And for all we know, it's a fine superhero movie which we'll enjoy watching on Netflix someday.

But the mainstream media is arguing that the release of this film is a moment of great meaning in our nation's history, finally giving African-Americans real pride in their cultural heritage of being descended from superpowered comic book characters.

We've got a question: why is it that African-Americans should find meaning and pride in a CGI-packed movie about the imaginary black leader of the most technologically advanced civilization on Earth instead of finding such validation during 8 years of an actual black leader of the most technologically advanced civilization on Earth? Was it that Barry needed a cat mask and ebony bodysuit, or was a Half-Black Panther just a doomed concept from the start?

Again, we're not trashing the film or people's enthusiasm for it. But can we please turn down the volume on the many stories about the movie's importance and its undertones of racial divisiveness?

Stories which, for all we know, were planted by Russians.


Friday, February 16, 2018

Sound of Silence

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The horror of yet another school shooting leaves us heartbroken and speechless.

Not that there's any lack of noise from a 24/7 media which exists only to fill every nanosecond with under-informed chatter while taking no time to simply reflect.

The usual talking heads are making their usual arguments, from which we'll get the usual results: no minds or policies changed, and no new insights about the nature of sheer, primal evil.

We can't and won't add our voices to that cacophony. We have no answers - only profound sadness for all of the lives forever changed or destroyed by this nightmarish act.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Hearts and Foolers

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! We think that on this most special of Hallmark holidays, we should share a specially themed "Earwigs" which we're pretty sure Hallmark wouldn't touch with a ten foot, heart-adorned pole...

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Oh, you just knew we had to share our take on the preposterous new portraits of Barry and Michelle. And we've got to admit that we're having a grand time watching effete Leftists struggling to explain why these alleged works of art are swoon-worthy.

Barry's is hilariously surreal and lacks only a unicorn to properly depict the self-obsessed fantasy world he lived in. Seriously, it practically screams "this man has no contact with reality."

We do, however, like the fact that the vines are already growing over his legs - giving us hope that he will eventually disappear entirely.

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Coming soon to a "choom gang" van near you.
Michelle's portrait is just flat out, laughably hideous and deserves a non-traditional display.

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Bonus! You can chill your groceries with her cold glare!
Although it wasn't our intent, we actually improved her wretched portrait by adding the colorful crayon illustrations. The actual painting looks like the work of a not-very-talented school kid who still got a C+ for "trying very, very hard."

The portrait is astonishingly amateurish, lifeless, and flat - although we actually agree with the artist's decision to give Michelle's painting no background. After all, what background did we ever get on the woman herself, other than that she had no pride in America until Obama elbowed his way into our national nightmares and, per her laughably self-centered university "thesis," that she just plain doesn't like white folks.

Perhaps it's just the influence of Valentine's Day, but we actually find our hearts warmed by these ghastly portraits...because they're exactly what the subjects deserved.