Wednesday, August 23, 2017

The Wreck of the Houseperus

"I've got good news!" our renovation contractor said. "Owing to a change in schedule, we can actually begin demolishing the rest of your home tomorrow instead of weeks from now!"

"Good news," in other words, is very much in the eye of the beholder. We now have to desperately scurry around and prepare every stick of furniture to be moved out of harm's way - including taking apart our insanely complex home entertainment system which, we're guessing, will never really go together again because it was assembled by the much younger and more technically savvy guy that we were 20 years ago. These days, we don't know HDMI from Shinola.

We have to unplug all of those bafflingly-connected electronics so that our entertainment center can be broken down and moved. It's a huge piece of custom furniture that in earlier times might have served as the towering centerpiece of Druid rituals.

The sudden change in schedule also forced a whirlwind of buying today: appliances, doors, locks, toilets, and more. Even now, our wallet is whimpering like a mournful puppy and economists are rejoicing at the sudden uptick of economic activity in the nation's heartland.

All of which is to explain why we don't have any real political commentary today, other than the fact that we basically like what Trump had to say about Afghanistan, and we loved the NY Times's spit-flecked outrage over the fact that Trump, unlike his loathsome predecessor, didn't talk specific troop numbers, specific strategies, or declare an automatic "pullout date" for our nation's enemies to pencil into their day planners.

Well played, President Trump.

And now, with hopes of giving you at least a LITTLE something to laugh at, we present an Earwigs cartoon (the frazzled subject of which looks a lot like our self-portrait at the moment). Don't be surprised if you see a LOT of these for awhile...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, afghanistan, ny times, renovations, remodeling, earwigs, hairy worm

Monday, August 21, 2017

Putting On Our Apocalypse Glasses

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Seriously, you're going to put your vision into the hands of America's sworn enemies and the Dollar Store?!

And since Nazis are very popular in the news right now...

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Okay, one more, just for fun...

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Today is "eclipse" day, which we're having sort of a hard time getting excited about. Not that we don't like looking at shadows, but come on - what's the big deal? At least one "news" outlet we saw referred to the eclipse as "historic," and many sources are calling it a "once in a lifetime event" despite the fact that the next total eclipse in these parts is just 7 years from now. Which, granted, may seem like a lifetime to Trump haters.

As far as we're concerned, the moon's shadow is always somewhere but we just don't see it, in much the same way we don't see a random Chinaman taking his morning poo on the far side of the world. Both are hard-to-see sights unless you're in exactly the right place at just the right time. Even so, we wouldn't go out of our way to catch either one (nor would we observe either without protective eyewear).

Then again, maybe we're just grumpy because this is the week that our personal "Apocalypse glasses" need to be put on during the home remodeling. The master bathroom has come a long way (on Friday, workmen finished tiling the floor of our master closet and the result is breathtaking - in part because it was supposed to be carpeted) and today our giant, expensive granite countertops are arriving - producing a near total eclipse of our wallet.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, eclipse, nazis, glasses, remodeling, trump
Alas, Formica, I knew you well...
Putting in the kitchen countertops means tearing out our stove, our sink, disposal, and our dishwasher - none of which will be replaced for days at the very least. Seriously, we're going to be living like North Koreans. Well, North Koreans with access to fast food.

On the positive side, the coffee machine will now be perking in our only working bathroom, which should prove to be a time-saver (assuming that, in an historic first, the aforementioned Chinaman hasn't beaten us in there).

Friday, August 18, 2017

Glaring Idiocy (A Single Malt Diatribe)

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, nazis, eclipse, mainstream media, vet ranch

We only WISH there were glasses which could filter out the blinding, glaring stupidity which radiates constantly from mainstream "news" sources. But sadly, such filters are exclusively internal and, rather than shaded pieces of plastic, are composed of actual functioning brains. In other words, they're inaccessible to virtually everyone on the Left.

An aside: we've had a busy and sporadically frustrating day, and now find ourselves in the position of writing this blog post under the (very welcome) influence of our 3rd scotch. And not our usual sleazy-ass scotch: this is a pretty tasty single malt aged in an old Sherry cask.

And we earned it fair and square. Not just from the home construction stuff, which is frustrating but going smoothly enough. But from the brain-frying level of insanity galloping through our news media and popular culture at the moment. We're referring specifically to the total meltdown related to Donald Trump saying that all violent, racist hate groups are bad, and the President's apparently unforgivable assertion that he likes to have facts before making broad pronouncements.

As if that wasn't bad enough, various "business" advisors to President Trump have very publicly dumped him and their positions giving counsel on creating jobs in America, because they don't want to run the risk of being branded Nazi-sympathizers.

In other words, the Left has managed to create a ridiculous fantasy which now makes it less likely that Donald Trump can energize our economy and create jobs to the degree we'd all hoped. And how does Wall Street feel about that? Predictably, it's running around in headless chicken fashion. Seriously, every day that the media accuses Trump of Nazi sympathies - or suggests that he's now ripe for impeachment - we personally lose thousands of dollars from our retirement account, and it pisses us the hell off.

Mind you, we're not among the "evil rich" who can laugh (no doubt haughtily) upon losing a few grand here or there. No, we're members of the "unlikable upper middle class" (white privilege division) and when that kind of cash is lost just because liars have bullhorns, it tends to rankle.

(We pause briefly to stare at the page and ask ourselves two questions: 1) are we getting away with this commentary, and 2) should we go for that 4th scotch...?)

As if the news wasn't bad enough, we had the horrific ISIS terror attack in Barcelona today in which dozens were mowed down by a speeding van, hostages were taken, and more. About which, CNN had the unbelievable gall to ask "was this a copycat attack modeled after Charlottesville?"

THAT, my dear friends, is the sort of asinine question that sends good men back to their scotch bottles. And yes, that means we just poured a 4th glass.

We're not going to get deeper into the Trump foolishness: he's right, they're wrong, he's said and done the appropriate things, and we fully support him. Okay, his tweet about General Pershing's anti-Muslim pork-tainted bullets was a bit over the top, but we're going to let it go because A) his comment was amusing, and B) we should really be doing that.

Seriously, we propose the creation of designated "war pigs" who donate blood for the purpose of contaminating terror-targeted bullets. Pigs who are given the best treatment that America can give them for their entire lifetimes. First class slop, party privileges with pretty porkers, blue skies, green grass, and cool mud.

(Note to self: they're on to you - the scotch is definitely starting to show.)


All of the above is depressing, and we're about to depress you even more. But stick with us - we think we've got a way to make it all better at the end!

Today, daughter Jarlsberg, who is as good and sweet a soul as any ever put on this Earth, encountered an unconscious kitten baking under the hot Oklahoma sun. She tried to get the poor little creature to a veterinarian in time...but it was too late.

This was painful to her, and to her parents. What the hell kind of world is this, anyway?!

Well...maybe it's a pretty good one. Because even though she couldn't save that kitten, daughter Jarlsberg subsequently gave money to some charities that will help other little animals.

And then we did the same - writing an accompanying little note that in the kitten's too short life it had still made a difference by inspiring others to act.

Not only did it make us feel a little better, it sort of delighted us to think that all of the Left-wing loonies who are currently rock solid sure that we're Nazis would be stunned to know that we're really soft-hearted animal lovers who (unlike the Left) are willing to give up our OWN hard-earned cash to help rather than simply demanding that others do it.

The charity we support is called the Abandoned Animal Project, affiliated with the Texas-based Vet Ranch. They're genuinely great people who make wonderful Youtube videos like this one...

We're not going to exert any pressure on you to make a donation (at the link above). But if you would like to send $5 or $10 to help abandoned animals, it's an inexpensive and thoroughly enjoyable way of giving a metaphorical finger to those on the Left who don't actually have a shred of altruism or charity in their miserable little hearts.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Trojan Condemn

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Construction workers are whooping it up with power tools in the other room, so today we'll concentrate on providing funny pictures and only a few words, what with THINKING BEING DIFFICULT OVER ALL THE NOISE.

We'll start by patting ourselves on the back for the title of today's cartoon, because what the media has been demanding from Trump really is a "Trojan Condemn" - they want him to make a statement of condemnation which implies or admits that he's previously been in league with moronic, racist hate-mongers who were not Democrats.

Frankly, Trump has said enough already - maybe too much. After all, it's not like the media is going to give him a fair shake no matter what he does...

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By the way, as far as we know PETA hasn't said anything about pets and the eclipse, and we don't think there's any reason to worry because animals aren't dumb enough to stare at the sun.

People are dumb enough, though. Case in point...

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We just got back from Lowe's where we were picking out exterior doors, lock hardware, toilets (we're going with the one that promises it can flush a bucket of golf balls, just in case we overindulge in Titleists some drunken evening), appliances, mirrors, and range hoods. Pshew!

But earlier today, the bathroom cabinets got installed...

The area to the right is the "pony wall" which is, even as we speak, being tiled. It will provide the basic structure for our new shower stall, the door to which will open over by our master closet on the far right.

You can pretty much figure what's going on with the cabinetry; it's still waiting on the granite countertops, sinks, paint, and confederate flag decals.

You might well look at all of this and say "Wow, you're certainly making progress!" But remember, this is just the part of the house they're finishing first so we'll have a place to pee, poop, shower, and weep privately while the entire rest of the house is being turned inside out. So most of this adventure is still ahead of us. Most of the payments, too - but we're doing it for America!

Monday, August 14, 2017

Sorry, Virginia, There Is No Sanity Clause

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, Charlottesville, alt-right, Antifa, BLM, terror, car, media, race
Having a grating time - wish none of you were here.
If there was a Stupidity Olympics, it might well look like what the world saw in Charlottesville, Virginia this weekend. Idiots came from all over to participate in the Games, with oversight (and we use that word in every possible sense) and rules administered by as striking a bunch of ideological nitwits as you could ever hope to assemble in one place.

It isn't easy to comment on exactly what happened because the incendiary events became perfect fodder for alleged journalists (and politicians) to say whatever the hell they wanted to whether it was factual or not. Hurricanes only wish they had this kind of spin.

According to the mainstream media, Donald Trump's enthusiastic embrace of Nazis and the KKK inevitably manifested in a White Power hate rally. And when lovable Leftists peacefully protested, a number of them were deliberately mowed down by the speeding car of a White racist causing one death and many serious injuries. So horrific was the racist violence that a police helicopter fell out of the sky just from watching the carnage, causing the tragic deaths of two officers - but upping the tally to "3 killed in violent confrontations" in reports throughout the entirely delighted media.

 But that's not exactly what happened. Although truthfully, we don't know exactly what happened (how could we?) but do know a lot of things are being underreported and misreported.

• The "Unite the Right" rally was planned ahead of time in coordination with the ACLU, a proper permit was obtained, and no matter how odious the nincompoop group's views might be, they had a First Amendment right to assemble peacefully and speak.

• Officials of Charlottesville (along with Virginia governor and longtime Clinton hack, Terry McAuliffe) presciently "predicted" violence before the event, perhaps because they were welcoming the imbecilic armies of Antifa and BLM with open arms - after which they illegally (according to an actual judge) tried to move the event before revoking the permit entirely. Unsurprisingly, and perhaps intentionally, chaos ensued.

• Antifa and BLM came looking for violence, then caused it - throwing stones and water bottles, pepper spraying alt-right types, and occasionally just beating people bloody (although in fairness, some in the "Unite the Right" crowd clearly came to rumble, too). Seemingly, the police did little to stop this and might (we emphasize might) have been instructed to step back to allow some politically useful carnage to take place.

• A 20-year old loser who might (we emphasize might) be a Nazi-sympathizer drove his car into a crowd at high speed. If it was his intent to injure people, then he is a terrorist - no more, no less - and should suffer the appropriate consequences. 

In other words, every aspect of this clash of the dunderheads was a fustercluck of the highest magnitude. Hateful cretins of many races, creeds and colors came to clash - influenced far more by the media's rhetoric than anything ever said by Donald Trump, and certainly not endorsed by the President in any way.

A couple of important points: the imbeciles who really are neo-Nazis and White supremacists are despicable, but there aren't that many of them. Happily, inbreeding shortens their life spans.

Similarly, the blockheads of Antifa and BLM are probably lacking in real numbers, although their influence gets magnified by favorable press coverage and the seemingly endless depth of George Soros's pocketbook.

Unfortunately, with the intent of forcing Donald Trump out of the White House, the mainstream media continues to turn up the heat and create the illusion that the majority of Americans have pledged allegiance to one pinheaded side or the other. By doing so, they maneuver citizens (albeit hopeless ignoramuses) into gladiatorial combat, with actual bloodshed - no matter who caused it - seen as a victory.

And nothing that happened in Charlottesville is more sickening, or more frightening, than that.


Reader JRMD posted this in the comments, but I want to be sure that everyone can read it. More insight and background here than I've seen anywhere else!

JRMD from Virginia said...
From the heavy heart of Central VA I can tell you why it happened.
The Charlottesville 'Clown' Council is 100% far left to the point they can't stand straight.
The black 'vice' mayor (Bellamy) came to C'ville as a teacher, member of the gov's. education board and a council electee. His baggage included uncovered racist tweets (especially against white women) and on-line posts. When these were brought to light he left his teaching position (rather than be fired) and resigned from the governor's edu. bd.
HOWEVER, since he was so pro black and anti white, the clown council and the idiots in C'ville not only left him on council but made him vice mayor.... paving the way for his future political aspirations. (Heaven help the fools!) (Over 80% of them voted for Hillary, so you know they have problems.)
C'ville formed a commission to study the Lee and Jackson statues after one of Bellamy's students said they scared her when she went through the parks. An obvious set-up to everyone but the C'ville croud.
The commission, after months of study and public meetings, advised the council to leave the statues in place and add plaques to explain that part of history.
The council rejected the commissions findings and voted to remove the statues.
Thus - the KKK and Alt Right rallies.
The KKK came, spoke briefly and left. They were attacked by anti-protesters. 28 of them were arrested for violence..... not 1 KKK member.
The lefties and the clown council supported the claim of police brutality because tear gas had to be used to quell the protesters attacks on the KKK AND the police. They objected to the arrests and said the police should have been more patient and that they antagonized the protesters by wearing their riot gear. Interestingly - NONE of the 28 have been to court to face their charges..?? Swept under the rug????
Kessler (Alt-Right Movement) applied for a permit to protest the statue removals. The application was for Lee Park at the base of the Lee statue. Certainly not off-limits as that was where most of the anti-statue rallies were held by the lefties.
The clown council sat on the permit until the last minute and approved it - if held in McIntire Park, on the outskirts of town.
Surprisingly the ACLU and Rutherford Institute jumped in to file a suit based on the violation of free speech.
A Federal Judge held a night hearing and blocked the order to relocate.
That had to P O the clown council.!!!!
As both rally participants and anti-rally protesters formed early Sat. AM, skirmishes broke out due to the protesters throwing frozen water bottles, soda cans filled with concrete, bottles of excrement, etc. at rally members in the park and attacking those trying to get to the park.
Hundreds of police and national guard stood by and did nothing to stop the abuse.
It quickly became obvious that they were not only remembering the flak the took for stopping the KKK rally violence but also had the intent, most likely directed by the clown council, to let it happen until it could be declared an 'unlawful gathering' and shut it down. So much for 'Serve and Protect'.
The rally was shut down shortly after after 11AM - an hour before it was scheduled to start. A couple protesters were arrested.
The Alt-Rt supporters left the park and the anti-rally protesters pranced around the 'once-upon-a-time' grand city of Charlottesville, VA proclaiming a victory.
The lack of quick and decisive action by the police to quell the violence perpetrated by the protesters was the cause of all the problems and will result in future problems as the 'white supremacist' groups have vowed to return - ready to take care of themselves.
Charlottesville's actions (and INActions) has stirred up a hornets nest.

This account is as factual as it can get. I watched it happen.

Friday, August 11, 2017

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Voices In My Head

The use of the name "Halburton" was coincidental, and does not imply Dick Cheney's endorsement.
Between home construction and threats of nuclear annihilation, I'm throwing another curveball your way today - although as always, I hope you'll find it a fun one!

As I've mentioned here in the past, for many years I was a radio writer and producer, and sporadic voiceover artist - always with an inclination toward comedy. I love the medium of sound, love old time radio, sound effects, theater of the mind, and all the rest. Frankly, it's a mystery that I'm not already doing some kind of podcast.

In any event, when I wasn't writing, reading, and recording funny commercials in the radio station's production room, I was doing my own nutty projects...a pattern which would pretty much define the rest of my working life, continuing right up through today.

With all of that being said, I present this 4 minute opus called "Mr. Halburton & Little Scotty: The Ventriloquist Act." Every voice you hear is mine. It's probably safe for work, albeit weird. And there's no real picture with this video: it's meant to be enjoyed as a "theater of the mind" piece.

I recorded that over 30 years ago when there was no such thing as digital audio. We used reel-to-reel tape machines (not even multi-track), and editing was done with grease pencils, razor blades, and sticky splicing tape. Sound effects were played "live" during the recording from turntables and cart machines (radio equipment that looked like old 8-track tapes and players for your car).

It was while working at this radio station that I met Richard Stone (who was doing the audio production when I signed on, and who taught me the craft). We became close lifetimes friends - and giggling idiots in the studio - until he passed away far, far too early. He eventually won multiple Emmys for composing wonderful music for television and film, and is best known for his "Carl Stalling" type musical creations which backed the beloved "Animaniacs" cartoon series (along with other projects from Warner Brothers). One of my fondest memories is of watching Rich direct the Warner Brothers Orchestra as they recorded his music.

The character of "Little Scotty" was actually born in a session in which I was just ad-libbing with Rich. I did a very sad (but painfully funny) monologue about him having something called "Blochner's Syndrome," a mysterious but incurable illness. Who knew that 30 years later I'd still be exploring the same vein of humor in "Johnny Optimism?"

Anyway, advertising and audio production took me to Dallas and eventually opened the door for something a little bigger...which then opened the door for something substantially bigger. But those are stories for another day.

For now, I still love creating audio and keep promising myself I'll get back to it. 

Maybe right after all the home renovations and, from the looks of things, a brief nuclear war.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

North To "I'll Blast Ya"

North Korea has apparently managed to miniaturize nuke warheads to the point that they'll fit into ICBMs way sooner than the "experts" expected (the same "experts" who assure us that Barack Obama's buddies in Iran are far from finishing their nukes), and a vacationing Donald Trump has declared that if Kim Jung Un doesn't quit screwing around, he'll be "met with fire and fury like the world has never seen."

Considering that there aren't many funny things we can say about this (the cartoon above quite likely being proof), we present an even more surreal than usual edition of Earwigs...


Our first two days of renovation went pretty well in stately Jarlsberg manor. On day one, a small army of workmen enthusiastically ripped everything out of our master bathroom. And we mean everything...

Tuesday, after some extended jackhammering, ripping, and rending, a carpenter roughed in the "pony wall" which will define the boundaries of our new shower stall (rising from that area where a Russian periscope is currently peering out of a hole in the ground), and on Wednesday we think there's a plumber coming to do something unknown which will almost certainly be noisy and expensive and keep us from being able to use toilets anywhere in the house.

We'd say more, but Happy Hour has just arrived without a second to spare.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Nobody Knows The Rubble I've Seen

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Okay, we'll admit it - we're just using the story of Kim Jung Un's latest threat to "end the USA" as a segue into our talking about the renovations on the Jarlsberg mansion which are beginning today with the disconcertingly named "demolition phase."

The overall plan for our home renovation will involve destroying and rebuilding pretty much everything except the master bedroom (giving us a place to live for the next couple of months). So today, workmen are destroying the master bathroom so that it can be rebuilt first - thereby giving the Jarlsberg family a place to pee, poop, and shower (hopefully not all at the same moment) while the rest of the house is getting the wrecking ball.

We've already been inundated by a million little choices - each one of which strikes us as offering infinite room for error. Faucets, shower hardware, senior grab bars, tiles, granite slabs, light fixtures and toilets to name just a few things. And by the way, even picking out toilets is harder than we would have thought: it seems that besides all of the other features toilets now boast (pee vs. poop power flush options, heated bidet jets, self-closing "no slam" seats, LED lights, bluetooth speakers and wi-fi) they come in two basic shapes: an extended oval bowl, or a tinier circular bowl.

This is not an inconsequential difference for those of us who appreciate the extra space afforded by the larger bowl (we have metaphorically referred to this as wanting all of our fishing tackle to fit in the boat) yet we have been informed in no uncertain terms that of the three toilets being replaced, only one can be man-sized. Although any of the three would still work for Obama.

But enough about that - we mainly just wanted to make the official announcement that over the coming weeks Stilton's Place is likely to contain a significant amount of personal venting about the questionable joys of remodeling along with our usual sporadic commentary on whatever is passing for news.

We hope you'll enjoy the ride!

By the way, they HATE it when you do this in the toilet showrooms.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Statue of Limitations

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In a truly delicious exchange in the White House briefing room, CNN "reporter" Jim Acosta proved himself to be a complete and utter ass when attempting to challenge Trump senior policy advisor Stephen Miller on proposed changes to our immigration laws.

Miller basically mopped up the floor with the self-righteous and thoroughly ignorant Acosta, and if you haven't seen it you really need to click that link.

The revised immigration policy would give preference to applicants who can speak English (ie, assimilate) and who have actual job skills beyond the ability to breed. In an earlier time, this would have been called "common sense."

But the thoroughly offended Acosta angrily maintained that poetry trumps policy (no pun intended), citing the Emma Lazarus poem "The New Colossus" which is found at the base of the Statue of Liberty and, as we vaguely recall, proclaims that the really best immigrants are tired, poor, wretched, tempest-tost (sic), disease ridden (sick), drug mules, potential terrorists, rapists and pedophiles. All of which leads us to guess that Lazarus was no stranger to the bottle.

Acosta did not, however, seem to have a problem with the fact that the poem can only be read by those who speak English - whom we'll continue to invite through that golden door.


You're welcome. And yes, that's really her.

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Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Chip Happens

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Preparations for home renovation (6 days until demolition starts...) and frankly incomprehensible news stories dictated that we go the Earwigs route again today. As we've warned, the content on this site may be pretty eccentric for awhile - not that it wasn't before.

To clear the way for the upcoming work on the floors, walls, kitchen, and bathrooms we've been divesting ourselves of furniture which has served us well for many years (soon to be bargain priced at a Salvation Army store near you!), leaving us with large amounts of unfilled space. And nothing to sit on in much of the house. And no tables for dining, sorting mail, or playing Boggle. It's all pretty disorienting (even when cold sober, which occasionally happens) and soon to get much, much worse.

As we've said before, we're reasonably happy to be energizing the economy by paying through the nose for this renovation, but we can't admit to being too keen on the recent discovery that investment income pulled from our personal account to pay for all of this is likely to incur an additional 3.8% Obamacare tax surcharge (above and beyond capital gains taxes and increased annual Medicare payments) to punish us for our frugality, personal responsibility and, in all likelihood, our shameful white privilege.

Good work on not even repealing that, GOP.

There's a reason we call our toilet "John."

BONUS: Now That Smarts

We jokingly (or not) mentioned "white privilege" above, little knowing that we're apparently guilty of something even worse: "cognitive privilege." 

According to an article in the University of Iowa's student newspaper, "the accident of having been born smart enough to be able to be successful is a great benefit that you did absolutely nothing to earn. Consequently, you have nothing to be proud of for being smart."

In other words, anything you've "earned" by virtue of being smart is simply a matter of "winning life's lottery" as Obama used to say, and you're not really entitled to keep those earnings when there are so many stupid people who would enjoy spending your money after they've blown through their own.

We wish the concept of cognitive privilege was simply a brilliant satire being foisted off on the Left, but sadly satire itself appears to be a dying construct in the age of the cognitively disadvantaged.

They WANT to protest, but putting words on signs is hard.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Fast Fast Fast Disbelief!

Owing to a million niggling-details related to our soon-to-be home demolition and renovations, we're cutting straight to the chase today (and probably will on many other days in the near future)...

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BONUS: with the time we just saved, we were also able to whip up this "truth in labeling" version of Hillary's next book of giant lies...

Friday, July 28, 2017

Trans Mission Problem

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This actually makes way more sense than the Left wants to admit.
Donald Trump has issued an unsubtle new policy decision on Twitter, which could pretty much be the opening line of every news story we're likely to see over the next four years.

In this case, he announced that transsexuals would no longer be allowed to join or serve in the military, and the Left is going out of its collective mind. This is hatred! Bigotry! Some kind of blatant sexism which is admittedly hard to define!

To which we say: baloney.

We're not going to get into debating whether or not transsexuals are good people or bad people, patriotic or not, or which latrine they should use - because none of that is germane to the argument. What is germane is whether or not transsexuals have medical conditions and special needs which are unduly burdensome when it comes to the military branches completing their missions. And the answer is: yes, they do.

This is the same rationale which keeps many, many others with chronic medical conditions out of the military. And we'll note that this does not keep motivated individuals from finding alternate ways to serve their country or communities.

Despite attempts to make this into a broader LGBT issue, it's worth noting that Trump hasn't banned gays or lesbians from service. He's not concerned about someone's sexual orientation, he's concerned about their physical ability to complete missions - including at times when their medical conditions can't be treated in the field, potentially putting others at risk.

The outrage we're hearing from the media strikes us as nothing more than a tempest in a teapot. Which is somewhat ironic considering it involves individuals who aren't sure if they've got a handle or a spout.

According to the Poopometer, we don't give one.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Renegade Renovations

When the President of the United States calls you on the phone, you damn well listen...

"Stilt? Don. With all of this Russia crap, and let me tell you it IS crap, because I've seen some very, very bad crap in my day and this crap is much, much worse. Much much. It's crap! Where was I?"

"Russian crap."

"Right - the stupid lying fake news media is using it to bury my agenda. I can't get my big ideas out there. Spicer was a great guy, great guy, but he wasn't getting it done. So he's over. Back to the minors."

"How can I help?"

"I want to draw attention to one American family being made great again, as they hire American laborers to completely rebuild their humble and outdated middle-class home and make it great again! Even MSNBC will eat it up! It's all about the pictures. And Stilt - I want those to be pictures of you."

"Me, Mr. President?! But why?"

"Many, many good reasons. You don't look like a rich guy, you look like a schlub. But a hot wife. Very hot. Too good for you, frankly. And people love that whole dynamic. "What the hell has he got that we don't know about?" they'll ask themselves. And then there's your crumbling house. When was the last time you remodeled it?"

"30 years ago."

"Perfect. We'll say Carter broke your heart and you haven't recovered your confidence till now. Been a mental wreck. When people see your picture they'll buy it. Totally. Totally."

"So, uh, what do you want me to do?"

"You'll be the new focus of "Make An American House Great Again." You'll share every detail of upgrading your sad little home while energizing the economy with seemingly endless construction bills."

"But...this will cost tens of thousands of dollars, Mr. President! Where will I get that kind of money?!"

"I'm pretty sure you've got that money in your Russian bank account if you know what I mean. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. So will you do it, Stilt? For Me, for Melania, and for America?"

"Of course, Mr. President. I'll get right on it."

"And as a little thank you, none of your readers will ever get audited again. But that's way off the books. Hush-hush stuff. Loose lips sink ships. Zip it. Ix-nay. Turn the lock and throw away the key."

"Understood. I won't let you down, Mr. President."

"You never have, Stilt. God bless you, you never have."


And that's why things here at Stilton's Place may be a bit wacky for the next couple of months.  We're doing a major renovation of the interior of our home which begins with demolition and then goes downhill from there. Floors, walls, plumbing, and more - every bit of which will pour money into the hands of local laborers who can then feed their families, buy expensive cars, and otherwise energize the economy more efficiently than the mega-billions Obama wasted on his "shovel ready" jobs scam.

Although we embrace our patriotic duty, we're not really looking forward to the process - which will apparently involve weeks of living out of boxes, moving every lick of furniture out of our house, going without the Internet or television for extended periods, and a complete loss of both peace and privacy until about October.

We'll do our best to keep the usual Monday, Wednesday, Friday updates flowing - though it's safe to assume that we're in for some bumpy weeks. But it's all about making America strong and prosperous again - something you can all celebrate.

Especially since YOU won't be getting the bills.      -Stilt

We expect a lot of this to be going on...

Monday, July 24, 2017

In Memoriam: Joseph Rago

The world of real journalism lost an important voice last week with the death of Pulitzer Prize-winning Wall Street Journal editorial writer Joseph Rago. He was only 34.

Regular readers of this blog know that in a world of increasingly fake news, the Wall Street Journal has been one of our last recommended sources for solid reporting and worthwhile editorial thought. Rago was responsible for some of the best of those editorials.

His trademarks included incisive analysis and the ability to simplify and explain complex issues, all with a refreshingly subtle but stiletto-accurate wit. His editorials were a pleasure to read and contemplate, whether we agreed with him on the issues or not (and usually we did).

Losing his unique mind and voice in these chaotic times is a tragedy. He should have had many more years to enlighten, convince, and influence Conservative thought. At the time of this writing, his cause of death is unknown.

On a personal level, Rago's death hits us hard - much like the deaths of former newsman and Presidential spokesman Tony Snow, and muckraker extraordinaire Andrew Breitbart. Their energy, insights, and wisdom were a balm to the ills of an increasingly inane and insane world of media . Their very existence gave us hope and optimism.

Rest in peace, Mr. Rago. And thank you for doing so well what so few can do at all.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Knife Guys Finish First

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, oj, oj simpson, parole, nicole, murder, racism, killer, guilty, race, it's a wonderful life

OJ Simpson will be a free man in October (he'll be the big trick-or-treater in the Michael Myers mask) thanks to a parole board's decision to let him out early for committing armed robbery because he had "no prior criminal convictions."


Of course, he did have a prior civil conviction, in which he was found to be responsible for brutally chopping up former wife Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. But apparently the parole board didn't consider that salient in making their determination that Simpson probably constitutes no threat to any member of the general public unless they piss OJ off.

Simpson's parole brings back unpleasant memories of his original trial, in which the race card was played as the ultimate "Get Out of Jail Free" card thanks to a jive-talking defense attorney who made his simple-minded arguments in hippity-hop rhyme, a liberal white female prosecutor who believed that her "sisterhood" with black female jurors would outweigh racial solidarity, and a pair of gloves that unsurprisingly didn't fit OVER a pair of unforgiving rubber gloves - especially when OJ spread his meaty fingers into a fan shape as if he had no experience whatsoever with how gloves are supposed to work.

When it was finally time for the OJ verdict to be announced, we were personally watching a recording of "It's a Wonderful Life" and paused it just before poor old George Bailey prayed on the bridge to live again. Foolish optimists that we were, we thought the jury's remarkably short deliberation must mean that they'd voted OJ "guilty" owing to the superabundance of incontrovertible evidence. (For the record, Mrs. Jarlsberg, who is wise in all things, thought the exact opposite.)

But no, it turned out that thanks to ignorance and a heaping helping of anti-white racism and anti-cop sentiment, a homicidal butcher could literally get away with murder - and did.

And when we eventually returned to "It's a Wonderful Life," the ending felt hollow and meaningless. At that moment in time, we just couldn't buy the fable that justice will eventually triumph, and that diverse communities are comprised of inherently good people who will rally together to do to what's right in times of crisis.

Our enthusiasm for the film has returned over time, but not our naivete about what to expect from the justice system or those who churn race hatred for their own benefit. Among whom, we're sure, will be OJ Simpson yet again.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, oj, oj simpson, parole, nicole, murder, racism, killer, guilty, race, it's a wonderful life

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Back to Healthcare Reform School

If history repeats itself, we might as well do the same thing - which is why we're recycling this cartoon and commentary from earlier this year (3/27/17)...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, healthcare, obamacare, gop, failure, trump, death spiral

Now that healthcare reform reform has failed, two groups of people are celebrating. Those who love Obamacare the most, and those who hate Obamacare the most.

At this point, it's moot to debate the relative virtues or failures of the proposed GOP bill, but we are going to take strong exception to the idea that if the healthcare system is allowed to completely collapse in the next few years (which Trump is enthusiastically tweeting as a "plan"), that America's sick, dying, overcharged, and uninsured will blame the out-of-power Democrats for having created Obamacare, rather than the fat and happy Republican legislators who stood around this national bonfire roasting marshmallows and making s'mores.

Put another way, when our healthcare system fails the voters will not reward the party that did nothing (even if the reasons were good), but will instead flock to the party that promises a quick and all encompassing fix - namely, a single-payer "Medicare For All" plan.

That's going to be the Democrats, which is hardly surprising: Obamacare was designed to fail after destroying the free market health insurance system, thereby leaving fully socialized medicine as the only viable alternative. And the Dems knew human nature well enough to understand that this would assure their party power.

Think we're wrong? Just ask yourself - if you were the patient in the cartoon above, who would you blame? The former doctor who misdiagnosed you, or the current doctor who says he'll watch you suffer and die because it's the easiest way for him to remain blameless?


After posting Monday about our brief professional flirtation with the Weekly World News, we decided to indulge ourselves in the creation of another mock-up cover just to see what one of our sensationalistic stories might have looked like in the supermarket checkout line...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, weekly world news, blind nun, boxing kangaroo, elevator
Admit it - you want to read all the juicy details.

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Weekly World News

Today we're introducing a new and totally unrequested feature called "The Jarlsberg Diaries," in which we take you for an exciting (and true!) behind-the-scenes look into the colorful life of Stilton Jarlsberg. Fair warning: you may be seeing a lot of this feature in the near future if the stupid Trump/Russia story continues to top the (ahem) "news."

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See that story about the severed leg? We actually wrote that, years ago, and it really appeared in the Weekly World News - arguably the greatest provider of fake news ever, although CNN is currently giving them a real run for their money.

We worked editorially with Weekly World News for only a short time; it was a dream job, but sadly there were contractual issues which couldn't be resolved - making us long for a cover story saying "BAT BOY DEVOURS LAWYERS - Receives Thanks Of Grateful Nation."

But just for fun, here's a sampling of some stories we submitted which never made print, but would have looked great with bold-faced caps and lurid illustrations at the supermarket checkout lanes...

And Our Government Works For Them!

Mona Lisa Art World Shocker!

After Judge Rules It Legal!


And You Don't Say It With Your Mouth!


Found Safe & Sound At Local Beach!

With Pocketknife Tweezers And Tiny Scissors


To Flat-Chested Sister




And It's The Law!

And finally...


See that itty-bitty picture in the top right of the Hitler Baby cover? Here it is full-sized. We don't actually have that much against Chris Christie, but considering the conniption fits the Left is having over a slab of ice it just seemed like a fun image.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Incredibility Gap

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Trump Jr, Russia, collusion, lawyer, lynch

We're not delving deeply into the latest developments of this cockeyed non-story, but we just thought it was worth mentioning that Natalia Veselnitskaya, the Russian attorney with whom Donald Trump Jr. briefly met, must have been living in a Siberian cave for the last couple of decades if she wasn't able to offer up some plausible dirt on Hillary.

Seriously, if we'd met with Trump Jr, we could have talked for hours about Hillary's myriad scandals and misdeeds. The fact that Veselnitskaya couldn't and didn't only lends additional credibility to the idea that she was more likely an operative representing Loretta Lynch and Barack Obama than Vladimir Putin.


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First things first: we're not making a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics. We have good friends who are participants and we've celebrated their impressive accomplishments.

We're not even making a joke about Michelle Obama, who was at the Espy Awards presenting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award to the late Eunice Kennedy Shriver in honor of the work she did in founding the Special Olympics and working with those who have special needs. The former first lady did a fine job, and the cause was deserving.

What we are having a bit of trouble with is again associating the Obama name with the Special Olympics after Barack, that smug and smarmy SOB, once likened his bowling ability to that of Special Olympics participants as a cheap shot to get laughs.

Not a major story, certainly - but as we head into the weekend, isn't it nice to appreciate the fact that neither Hillary nor Barry is in the White House these days?

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Deliberate Pravda-cation

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Did you know you can click on the cartoons for a larger view? You're welcome.
Don't worry - even though Busty looks like a cuddlesome Cossack, she's as patriotic as ever. And we think she may be on to something with this new look...

Clearly the Left is never going to let go of the assertion that Donald Trump somehow conspired with the evil Russians to steal the election from Saint Hillary. And it's driving them crazy that they can't prove it (and never will). But as long as the idea upsets them so much, shouldn't we all be doing our part to help feed their paranoia and frustration until it reaches the absolute breaking point?

If you're a known Trump supporter being surveilled by your liberal friends and coworkers, this can be as easy as giving your wardrobe a Moscow makeover, riding to work bare-chested on a stallion, keeping a bottle of vodka on your desk, and wishing everyone a cheery "do svidanya" when leaving the room.

Look around suspiciously before using the copy machine. Frequently pretend to check your lamps, chairs, computers, and framed pictures for electronic bugs. When speaking on the phone, use "da" and "nyet" instead of "yes" and "no."

Better still, let liberals overhear you talking to another conservative friend while overemphasizing suspicious code words:

• "I don't know why I haven't gotten a raise yet; the boss is really STALIN."
• "My favorite Beatle? Gosh, that would be LENIN."
• "Must be a lot of pollen today - I've been HACKING and HACKING."
• "Remember that song from Young Frankenstein? PUTIN on the Ritz?"
• "Pardon me while I go to the bathroom. For a LEAK from an undisclosed source."

It's all good, clean fun and a great way of giving your liberal acquaintances some food for thought. And by "food for thought" we mean, of course, aneurysms.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Owl Be Back

Owing to a variety of circumstances there's no substantive post today, but at least we've got a fresh Earwigs cartoon!

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Friday, July 7, 2017

A Meme Thing To Do

That's going to leave a mark.
Initially we hadn't given much thought to the whole brouhaha in which Trump tweeted (sigh...) an animated GIF of him pretending to rough up someone with a CNN logo for a face. It was a dopey little animation which sort of made a humorous point, after which we could all just get on with our lives - right?

Wrong. The media and Internet went nuts (granted, this is a given these days), making an occurrence which had roughly the importance of a gnat's fart into a bigger story than the lunatic leader of North Korea successfully test firing a nuke-capable ICBM missile.

CNN was especially culpable in blowing the loco logo story out of proportion. They claimed that the seconds-long clip was a call for violence against their esteemed journalistic team, and then tracked down the poor schmuck who'd originally created the animation and threatened to out his real identity (after labeling him a racist and anti-semite) so that the angry leftist mobs - you know, the ones who commit real acts of violence - could deal with him.

This is no small thing, as conservative cartoonist (and personal friend) Mike Lester points out...

The Right, of course, responded with a tidal wave of new memes (including our winged-hat tip to Thor and Hulk) in which CNN was humorously and entirely metaphorically getting the stew beaten out of them.

These weren't "calls for violence," but rather a perfect Free Speech counterattack in defense of a private citizen whose rights and safety were being threatened by a mega-media corporation that can't take a joke - even though it is one.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Firework Stoppage

Rather than actually work on July 4th, we decided to take another day off - the better to enjoy hot dogs, potato chips, American flags, and fireworks.

But since you've gone to all the trouble of dropping in, here's a new 4th of July cartoon, and several "blasts from the past"...

This was just our payback for all the "May the Fourth" memes that were flooding social media a couple of months ago. Plus, we think Yoda would be fun to party with.

This cartoon is chillingly "on the nose," even 8 years later. North Korea's Kim Jung Il chose the 4th of July to shoot a "test" missile towards Hawaii...and of course Obama did nothing to deter further mischief. Which is why this year on the 4th of July, Kin Jung Un test fired an actual ICBM. Thanks, Barry!

This cartoon seemed accurate in 2013 when we were drowning in illegals, but happily it's no longer as current. By various accounts, illegal border crossings are down 40-50% - almost all of which can be attributed to President Trump's seriousness about the subject.

And finally, Lefty Lucy reminds us that even during tough times, it's easy to distract Leftists with bright, shiny things!

Hope everyone had a great holiday; we'll see you back here with fresh material on Friday!

Monday, July 3, 2017

Happy Independence Day!

We're taking an early break in observation of this most American of all holidays, but assumed you wouldn't mind too much as long as we distracted you with this cartoon from the vault...

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And the spirit of patriotism is alive and well over at the world's weirdest children's hospital, too...

Fly your flags, celebrate with family and friends, and enjoy the fireworks (the actual fireworks, as opposed to the ones that go off every time President Trump sends a tweet).

Most importantly, remember what Independence Day is all about - and give thanks to those past and present who protect our freedoms!

Friday, June 30, 2017

Open Sesame

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elmo, cnn, isis, child killers, executions, trump, travel ban

In an effort to increase their journalistic credibility, CNN recently invited Sesame Street's "Elmo" (which we have absolutely no reason to believe is an Americanization of Al Mohammed) to a panel discussion about President Trump's temporary travel ban and it's possible effect on young Syrian refugees. No, really.

To Elmo's credit, he had just returned from an overseas visit to Syrian refugee camps, where he (and others) commendably helped entertain and build morale for kids in genuinely nightmarish situations. Situations which can be blamed to a significant degree on the ham-handed, destabilizing foreign policies of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Is there a human tragedy occurring? Absolutely. Is the answer to accept a flood of refugees from countries with high incidences of terror without being able to sort the victims from the villains? No. Which is why President Trump simply wants some time to work out those sorting methods.

But none of that was explained during Elmo's (ahem) "news" segment. Rather it was all sob stories about how those kids in the camps are "just like us and want to learn and play" and "everybody is the same deep down."

Only they're not. Several days ago, there were fresh videos of an 8-year-old ISIS executioner blowing the brains out of a kneeling prisoner. For those with strong stomachs, other videos are out there for the watching, including a toddler who needed a little help to slice a man's throat.

Reports of the young killers routinely describe them as "brainwashed" into their deeds. Fair enough. But are we so sure that there's not similar - and similarly dangerous - brainwashing going on right here? When children hear politicians describing the President's party as thoroughly evil bastards intent on murdering millions of men, women, and children? When popular entertainers routinely call for the death of their political enemies? And when Sesame Street puppets appeal directly to children to criticize policies enacted to fortify homeland security?!

Trump is not anti-immigrant, nor anti-Muslim, and certainly not anti-kids. He'd just like to create a way for them to find safety without decreasing the safety of children who are already here.  And if that sounds like a bad idea, maybe you've already been brainwashed.


The Left loves to describe common sense points like those cited above as proof of xenophobia and "hatred of those who don't look like we do." Which is complete BS. Not to mention that our own neighborhood, which we love, has such a varied mix of races, nationalities, and languages that the only way someone would not "look like we do" is if he/she/it is sprouting three feathery heads, using tentacles to rip out mailboxes in order to get to the delicious junk mail inside, and leaving a slime trail that smells like an Obama campaign promise.

Americans don't hate immigrants...they just happen to love the rule of law which separates those here legally from those who are breaking the law with their presence (and too frequently with their demands on our taxpayer-funded systems).

All of which was a way too-lengthy preamble to sharing a very special painting with you. A celebration of immigrant life and vitality in America:

This wonderfully kinetic work (which hangs in my home) was painted by my mother, and I couldn't think of any better way to sum up today's commentary than by sharing it with you. Not just as a work of art, but as a reminder from a wise and loving woman of the magic of coming together as a community.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I sure miss you.