Friday, December 15, 2017

Stilton's Little Helper

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, busty ross, christmas

Today we could have looked through the news, thrown up, gargled with scotch, then created a cartoon and editorial.

OR we could spend all our time supervising Ms. Ross while she was decorating the office Christmas tree. And obviously, we've elected to go with the option that most reflects and honors our great nation's Judeo-Christian traditions. We're still having the scotch, though.

As always, the comments area is wide open for whatever you want to talk about!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

#MoeToo

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, roy moore, sex, allegations, three stooges, curley, nipple, nancy pelosi

At the time of this writing (Tuesday), we don't know the results of Roy Moore's election contest. Will a man accused of possibly doing something bad a long time ago triumph over a man who will certainly (like all Democrats) do bad things now?

That matter is out of our hands - but it doesn't mean that the fight for sexual justice is over. We believe that any possible victims of touchy-feely, hanky-panky, and (God help us) hokey-pokey deserve to be heard, no matter how close to senility these accusers are.

Take, for example, the above story in which Curly Howard (real name Jerome Lester Horwitz) exposed his hairy nipple ("Oh look! It's Larry!") to a young showgirl in the late 1930's, entirely unaware that a studio photographer was snapping a picture. When the scandalous photo circulated, Curly, who was thought at the time to have a good shot at winning California's governorship, was forced to withdraw his name from contention - giving Shemp a clear course to eventual victory.

But where was the justice for the young actress who was forever scarred by this sickening, sexually aggressive sight? And how did the psychological damage of that nightmare so long ago continue to affect her and twist her thoughts and feed her anger over many long, long years?

Even now, Nancy Pelosi refuses to speak of what she felt that day...and actually throws up if someone says "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!"

And she would never be open and honest with her feelings again.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Aboriginal Sin

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, aborigines, manhole steamrising, christmas
We forgot the boomerang joke we were going to use, but it will probably come back to us.
We decided to go for a lighthearted Monday rather than actually delve into news stories like California burning (and Governor Brown blaming global warming), black "leaders" refusing to attend the dedication of a civil rights museum because the freaking President of the United States was there, or the latest revelations about Mueller's investigative team and just how far each of them was cozily nestled up Hillary's hiney.

BONUS: FREE CHRISTMAS ALBUM!

To take your mind off the cares of the world, and to gleefully annoy anyone who is offended by the word "Christmas," we're giving you a free no-strings-attached downloadable album of relaxing instrumental Christmas music!

And yes, it's exactly the same album we gave away last year - meaning this year it's officially a holiday tradition!
Not available in stores. Trust us on this one.
It's the Manhole Steamrising "Complete Christmas Collection" and...what's that? You never heard of Manhole Steamrising? Well, you didn't think we could afford to hire Mannheim Steamroller to record a custom album, did you?! Besides, who needs all of those fancy-shmancy synthesizers when you're trying to enjoy quiet moments with the twinkling lights on your Christmas tree and the tinkling ice in your glass of scotch?

The album is solo harp which is actually played by a real angel (we think his name is "Harold") and consists of 15 soothing tracks of Christmas favorites, two of which are "Adeste Fidelis" and are done (as Basil Fawlty would say on gourmet night) "in two extremely different ways."

It's all perfectly legal, and you're free to share the music and/or the link with as many people as you like. In fact, we encourage you to share! Please! Tis the season! Just click this link to get your download started.

You'll end up with a ZIP file which, when double-clicked, will open up into a folder with your 15 songs in MP3 format. It's our way of saying "thank you" and "Merry Christmas" to everyone who visits Stilton's Place!

Want to sample the music before downloading or enjoy it without downloading? Then just click here to listen to the Youtube version!

Friday, December 8, 2017

Al Be Seeing You!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, al franken, resignation, sex, grope, buttock fetish, election fraud

Senate slimeball Al Franken has announced that he's resigning "in a few weeks" in response to multiple accusations that he has aggressively tried to steal kisses and is a serial fanny squeezer.

Of course, Franken doesn't admit any wrongdoing whatsoever - going so far as saying that some of the accusations are untrue (i.e., the ladies are lying - which we've previously been lectured is an impossibility) and that he has very different recollections of the other incidents. Specifically, that when he was squeezing women's backsides, he erroneously believed them to be irresistible rolls of Charmin toilet tissue (the so-called "Mr. Whipple" defense).

Our parting words for the disgraced Senator: don't let the screen door hit you where you've been hitting on everyone else.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Moan-ivational Posters

There comes a time in life when we feel the importance of giving back to younger generations and sharing the hard-won wisdom we've accrued over decades of experience.

And for us, that time came yesterday when we had an hour to kill and nothing to entertain ourselves with other than an iPad and an app designed to make motivational memes.

The app comes complete with a number of iconic, tasteful images which can easily be paired with genuinely inspirational quotes.

Or not - which is the direction we took...

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Feel free to print these and hang them on your walls for inspiration. Better still, print them and hang them on the walls of those who deserve to be confused and depressed!

Monday, December 4, 2017

Ross To Judgement

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coffee couple, brian ross, abc, flynn, fake news, russia, trump

In what we're hoping will soon become a trend, ABC News has suspended their reporter Brian Ross not for boob grabbing, fanny patting, weeny waggling, or misuse of an under-the-desk "rape button," but rather for committing actual journalistic malfeasance.

Specifically, Ross broke the story (perhaps not realizing just how broken it was) that former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was prepared to testify that candidate Donald Trump had told him to make contact with the Russians during the election - no doubt for purposes of heinous collusion in the first degree.

Wow! That's a pretty damning story - and the stock market reacted with a plunge of over 300 points as evil millionaires and billionaires rushed to the exits, aware that the criminal Trump administration was finished.

Fortunately for us, and quite unfortunately for ABC, the story was 100% untrue - although we can't say yet if this can be attributed to straight up lying or just ham-handed ineptitude.

Actually, Flynn was prepared to testify that President-Elect Trump (after the election) predictably and appropriately asked him to make contact with Russia as any transition team would do - in this case to discuss the possibility of joint US/Russian military options to fight ISIS.

Ross has been suspended without pay for 4 weeks, and ABC has issued a retraction of the earlier story...albeit without the hoopla surrounding their original "scoop." Frankly, we're hoping that Ross spends his time off productively, perhaps watching old reruns of "Dragnet." He'd at least be reminded of the importance of gathering "just the facts."

Friday, December 1, 2017

We'll Get Hat Mail For This

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, turban, high white cells

Yes, it's another "free association" Earwigs day here at Stilton's Place! There are some things happening on the home front that are keeping us from being able to really focus - and besides, wouldn't we all really just enjoy a few simple laughs on a Friday?

Oh, we could have riffed on sexual improprieties again, but we're getting sick of the story. Not that we're getting sick of guys getting their asses handed to them for being jerks to women - we're just getting tired of talking about it.

Perhaps because some of these most recent sex scandals don't really have a lot of zing to them. Owl-faced Garrison Keillor hugged a woman and his hand briefly touched her bare back?! Give us a break. Back in old Hollywood, comedian Fatty Arbuckle was accused of raping a woman to death with a Coke bottle, and more recently actor Bob "Hogan's Heroes" Crane shot hundreds of porn videos of himself with different women until the night he was beaten to death with his own camera. (Which, incidentally, would be a lot harder to do in the age of the iPhone.)

We're not saying that those are good things, but we're saying they're at least more interesting than hearing about Mr. Lake Woebegon fingering the notches in some woman's spine.

We might also have written about North Korea's new ballistic missile that can theoretically nuke anyone in the United States...or easily cause an EMP event which would kill off 90% of Americans through starvation and disease (as could John Conyers boxer shorts). But hey - is THAT what anyone wants to hear about on a perfectly nice Friday?! We think not.

So instead, we've got the Earwigs cartoon and a very important request: Please help us wish "Happy Birthday" to the lovely (and loved) Mrs. Jarlsberg today! Absolutely no one of AARP age should look as good as she does!

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Nuclear Mistletoe

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, christmas, mistletoe, sex, lefty lucy, clinton

Liberals are in a hyperventilating tizzy (but we repeat ourselves) over the latest horror from the Trump White House. Specifically, that mistletoe is being included in the official Christmas decorations, which could lead to a nightmarish spate of boob grabbing and unwanted kissing which hasn't been seen since Joe Biden left the Vice Presidency.

Mistletoe wasn't hung in the White House during the Obama administration, owing to the fact that the media kissed Barry's rear end so frequently that additional smooching just seemed like overkill. Plus, it clashed with the White House Kwanzaa decorations dedicated to Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, and Imani...perhaps because people at least knew what the hell mistletoe was.

Frankly, we doubt that hanging a few sprigs of mistletoe is likely to cause men in the White House to suddenly develop a yuletide "Franken sense" and start playing grab-ass with unwilling women. Although just to be safe, we'd recommend keeping Democrats and Hollywood lefties out of the White House until the holidays have passed.

AN EQUAL TIME REPLY...

...to show that we actually take this issue very, very seriously.

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AND THIS JUST OUT...

Since going to press with the cartoons above, we've learned that "Today" show host Matt Lauer has been fired from NBC for "inappropriate sexual behavior."

We don't know exactly what Lauer was accused of, but the fact that the name "Matt" is short for "Mattress" should probably not be overlooked.

And let's not forget the Halloween that Matt
showed up for work dressed as Jennifer Lopez...

Monday, November 27, 2017

Thanksgiven

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, thanksgiving, 2017, nipple extractor, ladybug, cops
It's all about momentum. And stretch waistbands.
Thanksgiving has passed, but the residual effects of too much food and the rigors of social engagement (however pleasant) are still weighing on us today in the form of a dazed torpor. More so, even, than most Mondays.

Our family holiday was filled with delights, even though the newly remodeled house lacks tables, chairs, proper beds, and window coverings of any kind. Daughter Jarlsberg and her wonder dog "Ladybug" made the long haul from Oklahoma to be at the parental home, and joy was unconfined.

We got to show her all of the changes to the house, which she could appreciate without having to endure the torturous sausage-grinding work it took to get it done. She brought youth and cheer into our home, and her dog brought about 4 times the usual amount of poop in our backyard.

Besides visiting, a lot of time was spent binge-watching stacked episodes of "COPS" every evening. In a world where neither the news nor Hollywood believes in stories in which the good guys triumph over the bad guys, it remains endlessly refreshing to see morons trying (and failing) to outrun taser probes. It's sort of like a modern day version of Aesop's Fables, in which all of the morality stories are played out by angry nitwits instead of animals. And darn it, that's wholesome family entertainment!

Our actual Thanksgiving repast was held at the family home of Mrs. J's brother and his wife, where we enjoyed wonderful (and too much) food and fun conversation with everyone. At least, we did until we had to take a semi-early leave owing to having left two dogs inside our house who had already shown enthusiasm about seeing which could poop the most every day.

Daughter Jarlsberg is now safely back at her home, and we're kicking off the new week by soliciting bids from plantation shutter salespeople and interior design consultants, as well as catching up on chores which got away from us over the past few days.

At least one of which required us to place an order to Amazon.com for a "nipple extractor," which is something we didn't know existed until we desperately needed it. It's actually for a pretty dull purpose, but we're guessing just having it on our Amazon records will prevent us from ever attaining high public office.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Black Friday

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Giving credit where credit is due.
No politics or editorializing today - just continuing good wishes for all who are enjoying leftovers and a salute to those of you who are hitting the stores today in search of crazy deals.

Mind you, we think fighting the crowds is borderline insane - but it's good for the economy, so more power to you! And now that we reflect on it, a $300 big screen TV would look good here in the office and it would be a business deduction. Hmm...



Wednesday, November 22, 2017

A Touching Holiday

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With Thanksgiving preparations moving ahead at full speed, we originally intended to post this cartoon, wish you well, then run back out to the store. But...

Then we saw a piece of "journalism" so rank, so appalling, so ridiculously offensive that we have to comment on it...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, charles manson, trump, newsweek, murders
Because that would be wrong. That's for sure. -Richard M. Nixon
Perhaps in the familial spirit of Thanksgiving, Newsweek just added tens of millions of American voters to the Manson family. In essence, they're saying if you're among the many who fell under Donald Trump's hypnotically lunatic influence, you'd probably be perfectly happy going on a murder spree if told to by the President (who, it's hinted, uses his comb over to hide a swastika on his forehead).

Seriously, we've seen some awful journalism in recent years, but linking Charles Manson and Donald Trump really deserves some sort of special recognition - and we don't mean the high-fives and free drinks the writer no doubt received after coming up with that godawful title.

But for now, let's get the bad taste of this story out of our mouths and replace it with whatever savory goodness awaits us on Thanksgiving Day.

And remember, if asked what you're thankful for this year, raise your glass high and say, "Not having Hillary as president!" 

It will either get an appreciative laugh or guarantee that the rest of your Thanksgiving won't be boring.


Monday, November 20, 2017

Tusk, Tusk

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, elephants, trophy, ban, shrunken heads

Fans of Dumbo (and who isn't?) went into panic mode last week when it was suggested that President Trump was going to lift the ban on the importation of trophy items made from elephants.

Although the change in policy was recommended by the Fish and Wildlife Service, who apparently spend a lot of time and taxpayer money thinking about elephants in other countries because domestic fish are so freaking boring, Trump unexpectedly reversed course after a hugely negative public outcry. He is now postponing a final decision until he's had further opportunity to talk to himself about it.

Frankly, we're hoping that the ban remains in place because elephants are among the most awesome and intelligent animals on Earth, and they don't deserve to be chainsawed into pieces so that people can have elephant tusk bluetooth speakers, taxidermied heads with showerheads in their trunks, or elephant ear sandwiches. The last coming as a special blow to the industries which were gearing up to make the big buns.

And it should go without saying that we don't support the importation of baby elephant trunks for transgendered women who wish to become men, no matter how funny the resulting "sticky bun up the ass" jokes would be.

Lifting the ban was thought to be acceptable because the trophies would come from animals who were being culled scientifically, with money from hunting licenses going to support elephant conservation. That's fine - but once the door has been opened, the problem is how to then keep trophies from illegal poachers from flooding the market as elephant populations are decimated for crap like this...


We can appreciate the fact that there is a robust market for oddities and curios from other lands, but we'd rather the ban stay in place for any and every animal that belongs to a diminishing population.

That being said, we think the time is ripe for Trump to lift the ban on the importation of a certain type of exotic trophy which comes from largely useless creatures who, for better or worse, are in no danger of extinction.

We're talking, of course, about shrunken heads.

Just in time for Black Friday sales!

Friday, November 17, 2017

Congressional Franken Privilege

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"Your honor, I'd like to present exhibits A and B!"
The roulette wheel of celebrity hanky-panky has clattered to a stop again, and this time the silver ball has landed on Senator Al Franken, who is accused of asking a woman to kiss while rehearsing a comedy skit, but then sticking his tongue down her throat without having received written permission to do so.

Later, while she was sleeping on an Air Force transport plane, a picture of Franken was snapped in which he appeared to be gleefully groping her breasts - or at least, as close as you can get to groping someone who is wearing a heavy flak jacket.

So, did Al act like a jerk with sophomoric humor? Clearly. Did he violate his victim to the extent that he should be thrown out of the Senate? No - although there are plenty of GOOD reasons to toss him into the street.

We're tired of this played-out round of celebrity "gotcha" which is (quite deliberately) distracting from real news. When the crimes are real and substantiated, there should absolutely be appropriate punishment. But until assholery itself becomes a crime, it's time for the media to let go of their current obsession with this particular genre of shiny object.

That being said, as long as we've already done the Photoshop work on Al, we thought we'd have some more fun. See, we like sophomoric humor too!


BONUS: REMODEL CITIZENS

A few folks have asked about the current state of our remodeling, and Friday seems as good a time as any for an update. Mostly because we can then drink all we want without worrying about messing up a work day.

Here is our splendid, all new Kitchen...


We cleverly went with an all white and brushed stainless steel look so, in the eventuality that we're murdered in our sleep, the police will find scads of fingerprints in here. Seriously, this is all quite pretty and we're already sorta kinda using some of the baffling new appliances in extremely cautious ways.

Follow us now to our elegant Living Room...


Notice the exquisite (and expensive) wood-look porcelain tiles, which now extend through virtually the entire house. Notice, too, that there's almost no real furniture in there because we gave most of it away. And that odd little rug is actually an indoor/outdoor mat which is sitting there for no particular reason other than to make any Islamic guests feel comfortable at prayer time.

Meanwhile, we're more than ready to entertain in our sumptuous new Dining Room...


Whether you desire a box lunch or a table for two, we're ready to handle anything - including a pre-wash cycle for your dirty dishes courtesy of Penny, the official dog of Hope n' Change, who has officially regained her full measure of piss and vinegar.

Notice the newly painted walls, and the "living color" which changes before your eyes - depending on the light and time of day - from a warm beige to vanilla ice cream, then to milky cantaloupe with occasional suggestions of actual human skin. The color is technically a neutral, meaning it can't engage in political arguments.

And how about this stunning Breakfast Nook...?


Okay, technically the only one having breakfast in here is Penny, whose bowls perfectly accent that same expensive porcelain wood-look tile. We used to have a table, chairs, and hutch in this spot - but we gave them away to starving orphans before starting the remodeling, because that's just the kind of people we are.

Still, this spot will give us a great view of our well-sculpted (and intimately sized) back yard, as well as panoramic vistas of the famous scenery of North Texas. Which, in other states, they call "clouds."

And after a long day of living in luxury, what could be better than a Cozy Bedroom...


You know what's great for a good night's sleep? Stretching out on expensive porcelain wood-look tiles with an old sofa pillow under your head! Not tired yet? Then enjoy sorting through multiple boxes of Wires from Hell!

Anyway, you get the drift. We've now got walls and floors (and working kitchen and bathrooms) but haven't made much progress on finding new furniture, getting plantation shutters for the windows (those aren't racist, are they?), and squaring away all of the mess that is still sitting around in boxes.

As we've mentioned previously, our process (not to be confused with Mrs J's process) for sorting junk from treasures is less than perfect. Today we went through a box of knick-knacks, geegaws, and oddities and found a small box claiming to contain a pocket sized HD video camera. "Wow," we said to ourselves, "this is hopelessly outdated, we never used it, and could never conceive of a use for it." And then we gave it to Goodwill - right? Wrong! Because first we had to check to see if it worked (it's just wrong to give broken electronics to starving orphans) and secondly we had to check to make sure it didn't contain any videos of our coven dancing naked around a bonfire. BUT...the camera's internal battery was dead, so we had to find a USB port somewhere to plug it in so we could try it later in order to determine whether it was A) Trash, B) the only Christmas present some orphan will get this year, or C) incriminating evidence. And the camera is STILL charging, so we didn't exactly get a motherlode of clutter taken care of today.

We did, however, actually visit a furniture store today and found ourselves simultaneously over-and-underwhelmed. For one thing, we wanted to find a replacement for the kitchen hutch we gave away, and were informed that no one makes kitchen hutch's anymore. Next we'll be told that we're out of luck replacing our pie cooler and the ice box.

So our next big adventure will be joining forces with a design consultant to help us populate our renovated home with eye-catching, functional furniture and bold, trendsetting objet d'art.

We plan to begin with a giant wheel of Jarlsberg cheese on the living room wall.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Allahu Toy Store!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hijab, barbie, islam, san bernardino, terror, olympics, willeford

With the holiday season hurtling toward us, many concerned parents are already wondering "what is the most meaningful toy, in a social justice sense, that I can buy for my young cisgen daughter or transgender son?"

And the answer, of course, is Mattel's exciting new hijab Barbie!

The doll is part of Mattel's "Shero" line, which introduces dolls based on actual women who accomplished newsworthy things in America. Like this gal!

"And my boyfriend is...uh...Ken."
No, no - just kidding. Mattel wouldn't base a doll on the hajib-wearing woman who killed 14 and wounded 22 in San Bernardino. Like many on the Left, they probably just forgot that the little-reported terror attack ever happened!

Which is why the doll is actually modeled on Ibtihaj Muhammad, the first American to wear a hijab and win a medal in the Olympics. Granted, she won it for sword fighting, and the hijab just might have scared the hell out of her opponents...but still, a great victory for our nation and multiculturalism in general!

But as long as Mattel is in the mood to celebrate newsmakers, we'd like to make another suggestion for a great boy's toy! We're thinking of an action figure of Stephen Willeford, the brave NRA instructor who stood his ground and shot the crap out of the maniacal killer who had just exited a small, bloodsoaked Texas church...then chased the fleeing (and bleeding) SOB until, realizing there was no escape, the killer blew his own brains out.

Now there's a toy which could actually inspire some important social lessons and interesting dinner time talk. Not that there are no such lessons attached to hijab Barbie - after all she's demonstrating her American freedom to wear a head covering which declares that, even here, she is still neither free nor equal in the eyes of her faith.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Takes A Licking, Keeps On Ticking

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No dire reason for a lack of a more news-oriented post today, other than that we were juggling too many chainsaws this weekend. Which is apparently also true for the poor wretch in the cartoon above.

Among the distractions: a trip to the vet with Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) to try and track down some malady that had left her lethargic and off her food. It's a sad and scary thing to know that your furry family member has something wrong but can't communicate what it is.

Diagnostic results will come in sometime today, but we're glad to report that Penny's appetite and energy seem to have returned, and only moments ago she felt perky enough to shout feisty canine insults and challenges to an Amazon driver who dared come to our door to deliver a shower curtain. "We'll not be having any of THAT," wurfed Penny.

It's entirely possible that she just had an upset stomach from eating poop. Although that never seems to be a problem for politicians who, we believe, subsist on the stuff.

BONUS: CHEETOS NEVER WIN


Some months ago, Frito-Lay had a contest in which people were supposed to submit pictures of actual Cheeto corn puffs which looked like something. Anything. The best specimen would win some wonderful prize which we can't actually remember, but would probably leave the winner with orange fingertips for a lifetime.

The picture above was Daughter Jarlsberg's entry and, to our eyes, a darned good one. What we have there is the mighty Bigfoot ("Sasquatch" in the language of Native Americans) standing tall, powerful chest puffed, and long arms hanging to his sides while he scans the horizon for predatory documentary makers from the Discovery Channel. Amazing, isn't it?!

The contest is long since over and, since Daughter Jarlsberg is none the richer for the experience, we think it's safe to say that the fix was in. We can't connect all the dots yet, but we're pretty sure the blame should eventually fall on Hillary Clinton.

Friday, November 10, 2017

"You'll Saw Your Head Off...!"

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, USA Today, Chainsaw, Bayonet, Gun control, Texas, church, mass shooting, AR-15
Hillary: "Imagine if he was using a silencer!"
Christmas came early this year for connoisseurs of hilariously stupid journalistic malfeasance. Specifically when USA Today, an alleged newspaper, sought to educate its readers about the weapon used in the horrific mass-killings in a small Texas church.

That's about as serious a topic as you can get, so you'd think that serious journalism would be something of a goal for USA Today. But how wrong you'd be!

To add to their audience's fear of guns and those who wield them (like the hero NRA instructor who used his own AR-15 to end the carnage), the paper released an infographic video on their Twitter feed described as "a look at the gun used in the Texas church shooting." They then showed the basic gun, then started adding on possible modifications to make in more insanely terrifying, like a bump stock, laser sight, extra large magazine, and...a chainsaw bayonet.

Yep, this is actually what USA Today thinks people should start worrying about
Before you even ask, no - there's no such thing as a commercially available "chainsaw bayonet," although there are a few good old boys on Youtube who've rigged up dummy (literally) models so they can play "hold my beer" while charging, shooting, and eviscerating enemy pumpkins.

But USA Today would have you believe that ignorant, bible-thumping deplorables can just waltz into Walmart and toss a chainsaw bayonet in the cart along with their Pabst Blue Ribbon, turkey jerky, and environmentally-unfriendly disposable diapers.

Diapers which might actually be better used by the gullible USA Today readers who wet themselves when just thinking about this hybrid killing machine...and perhaps also by the USA Today journalists and editors who chose to indulge in infantile gun fantasies rather than bothering to research actual facts.





Wednesday, November 8, 2017

The Music Man


No politics today (yay!) because, unlike most days, I actually had professional work to do and it used up all my time and all my intelligence.  As I'm probably about to prove.

For the past several decades, I've made my living writing for the entertainment industry. Mind you, I'm in Texas and I'm a writer - so I don't have any wild tales of drug fueled parties, sexually defiled potted plants, or rings of pedophiles. I'm not saying that those things couldn't happen in Texas, I'm saying that no one invites writers to parties.

A lot of my writing has been on kid-friendly projects with a musical component, as was the case today.  Specifically, I'm collaborating with a very talented composer (and close friend) to create a live orchestral piece which will introduce kids to symphonic music without A) boring their socks off, or B) being "Peter and the Wolf" for the umpteenth time. The hope is that it will be performed by multiple orchestras across the nation, and that those orchestras will pay handsomely for the privilege of doing so. No government grants here, folks!

In essence, the production will feature humorous narration interspersed with delightfully bombastic music, while funny illustrations (several of which may be about farts) are projected onto a screen to keep the young audience laughing. Today's job was figuring out where those many illustrations should go in the script, and exactly what the images will be so we can communicate instructions to our Ukrainian artist.  A business arrangement which may land us a subpoena from the ever and overzealous Robert Mueller.

Overall, a fun and productive day. Who could ask for anything more?   -Stilt

Monday, November 6, 2017

It's Good To Be King

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The so-called "JFK Files" recently released for public consumption haven't done much for conspiracy theorists who were hoping to find out how deeply Lyndon Johnson, the CIA, Woody Harrelson's father, and the Illuminati were involved in the Presidential assassination.

But the reading isn't all boring as, for some reason, the FBI reports on Martin Luther King Jr's alleged sexual escapades in considerable detail.

Mind you, the FBI was very interested in taking down King at the time, as his talent for social disruption (which was good in this case) can't be overstated. And so we can't say for certain what in the report is or isn't true. Which won't keep us from looking at the "good parts" and wiggling our eyebrows like a licentious Groucho Marx (which may be redundant).

For instance, the report claims that folksinger Joan Baez was one of King's many extra-marital conquests, and further suggests that the civil rights icon was given to orgies, and enjoyed "unnatural" and "abnormal" sex.

Describing the hijinks at a ministerial workshop, the report says"several Negro and white prostitutes were brought in from the Miami area. An all-night sex orgy was held with these prostitutes and some of the delegates in attendance." Additionally, "one room had a large table in it which was filled with whiskey. The two Negro prostitutes were paid $50 to put on a sex show for the entertainment of the guests. A variety of sex acts deviating from the normal were observed."

Obviously, we should all be offended by the outdated language in the report which is no longer socially acceptable. Oh, not the "negro" part - at least until the NAACP changes its name. No, we meant the parts which described any sexual act as unnatural or abnormal, which certainly doesn't square with current liberal attitudes about creatively and wantonly sticking things where nature didn't expect (or design) them to go.

In the age of Bill Clinton using Monica for a humidor, Harvey Weinstein giving a potted plant a pearl necklace, and Lena Dunham filling her sister's wahootie with gravel, we're experiencing a little nostalgia for times when some things were still considered perverse.

Put another way, even if the accusations against King are true (and we're not sure they are) we're betting he never did anything that you can't currently see on a popular HBO series.

Perhaps it's time our culture started showing more interest in mountain tops than mountin' anything that moves.


Friday, November 3, 2017

Donna Brazile: Hack Attack

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Those who have always felt there was something a little "off" about Hillary's rise to her party's Presidential nomination are now having all of their suspicions (and more) confirmed in a new book by the soon-to-be-late Donna Brazile, who headed the DNC in the final days leading up to the election.

In her book, "Hacks," the title of which apparently isn't meant to describe sleazy political operatives such as herself, Brazile says that Bernie Sanders never stood a chance because early in the primary campaign Hillary essentially bought the entire DNC and thereafter made all decisions to assure her eventual candidacy. She did this by providing money to the impoverished DNC (bankrupted by Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Barack Obama, according to Brazile) from her own deep campaign coffers. And all the DNC had to do in return was look the other way while populist favorite Bernie Sanders was screwed into the ground by the Clinton machine.

Of course, we'd be more impressed with Donna Brazile's sudden attack of conscience if she hadn't actively helped with the cheating by, among other things, funneling Hillary debate questions ahead of time.

The really interesting question is why Brazile is now throwing Hillary under the bus, and how she expects to get away with it without being Vince Fostered in the dark of night.

Our guess - and fervent hope - is that Brazile knows that real, indictable dirt on Hillary is about to come out, and she's written this book to try to keep from being dragged under by Clinton's Titanic-sized undertow.

Just one more rat deserting a sinking ship.

NEW YORK TERROR

We had a disconcerting revelation today while reflecting on Tuesday's horrendous terror attack in New York.

We're always told that in the face of such attacks, we need to stick to our usual routines, hold our heads up, and be unafraid.

But we're not unafraid. Mind you, we've got no particular fear of wild-eyed goat-screwing pube-faced radical Islamic terrorists. But we are afraid - for our very country and way of life - when we hear the mainstream media's reactions to a crude act of terror.

On one alleged news network, a talking head opined that the truck-driving, "Allahu Akbar" shouting killer "could have just as easily been a Catholic two weeks ago" before becoming radicalized. Another outlet immediately started worrying for the umpteenth time about a possible (yet never actually occurring) backlash against Muslim Americans. And despite the murderer's sworn allegiance to ISIS, multiple outlets were still declaring this to be a "lone wolf" attack which certainly shouldn't be connected to any particular religion or ideology.

So here's a thought: why don't most of us go on doing what we've always done without fear, while the mainstream media completely changes what they've always done in order to make future such attacks less likely.

FROM THE VAULT: BRAZILE-IAN WAX

As we mentioned, Donna Brazile is even throwing Obama to the wolves in her book. By coincidence, we were notified by Google today that an ancient post on Hope n' Change had just been flagged and was going to get us into serious trouble because it was sexually provocative.

Say what?!

We checked, and apparently Google's supercomputers decided that this image would make a lot of people feel steamy in their Weinstein regions. We disagree, but we'll let you be the judge:

Brazile-ian wax job.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Come As You Aren't Party

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And he has the cleaning bills to prove it.
What's sadder than a Jack O'Lantern once Halloween has passed? That hollow stare, the wrinkles and sags, the moldy smell, the buzzing of flies, that cackling laugh...  Hey, wait! That's not a leftover Jack O'Lantern - it's Hillary Clinton!

Yes, The Thing That Wouldn't Go Away is still popping up everywhere in the mainstream media, like an undying slasher in a bad movie franchise. While in Chicago promoting her book "Killing Vince Foster" (Oops- sorry! That's Bill O'Reilly's next book), she was asked what Halloween costume she was considering and said "I think I will maybe come as the President."

We're not sure if this means she intended to don (no pun intended) Trump regalia or one of the brightly colored, whip-accessorized Dominatrix From Hell outfits she had intended to wear in the Oval Office. Either way, it's nothing we ever want to see...and frankly, we threw up in our mouths a little just thinking about it.

At the same appearance, Hillary tried to spin a negative into a positive by taking the too-little reported stories of her involvement in Uranium One and the Russian Dossier and declaring "All the networks except Fox are reporting what's really going on...it appears that they don't know I'm not president."

That's right, Hillary. Fox is reporting on you non-stop because they think you're so important, not because there are mountains of evidence piling up that you're so freaking guilty of selling out our country and trying to subvert an election with the help of Russia AND Obama's criminalized FBI.

Still, we didn't let Mrs. Clinton sour our Halloween holiday spirit. And who knows, by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, maybe this turkey will finally be getting some real heat put on her.

AND FROM THE CRYPT...


Monday, October 30, 2017

Trick or Treason

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What could possibly be a better time for an ultimate showdown between good and evil than Halloween? And that's exactly what's happening right now as Special Prosecutor Mueller, with calls for him to recuse himself after revelations of his colluding with Hillary, the DNC, and Russian uranium investors, has thrown a Hail Mary pass to try to save his corrupt keister.

Specifically, and by wild coincidence, the same day the calls to dump Mueller were growing loudest, members of his investigative (ha!) team illegally leaked word to CNN that at least one pumpkin-spiced criminal indictment had suddenly been issued against a member of Trump's team, with that poor scapegoat expected to be hauled off to the pokey sometime today - and no doubt perp-walked for the cameras.

It's a smart and thoroughly sleazy move. By throwing someone - anyone - to the wolves, Mueller's supporters can now claim that the calls for his recusal are simply to protect the guilty among Trump's staffers.

It's a lie and a fantasy - but with the eager support of the mainstream media, it will probably play very well with the majority of Americans who remain clueless about the "Russian Dossier" and "Uranium One" scandals.

At this point, those who get their news from mainstream media live in an entirely different world than the one inhabited by folks like us, who do the homework to get a truer idea of what's actually going on.

And this week, as witches fly and ghouls stumble from door to door, those worlds are about to collide.

FROM THE VIDEO VAULT: THE WALKING DEMS

This goes back to 2014, but it seems that most of the folks pictured here are still actively being pains in the national rear end. As SCTV's Count Floyd would say, "It's really spooky! Ah-WOOoooo!"


AND FINALLY...

Whether or not you're a regular reader of our sister webcomic, Johnny Optimism, we really encourage you to visit today for a special Halloween edition which will put a smile on your face and warm your heart. No, really!



Friday, October 27, 2017

Dossier Vidanya

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To the shock of pretty much no one with an IQ above that of a blobfish, we've now learned the Hillary Clinton's campaign and the DNC funded much of the (ahem) "research" that resulted in the infamous "golden showers" Trump Russian dossier - an even greater work of fiction than Hillary's "What Happened."

This is not a small thing, because the entirely bogus dossier - always and only intended to do political harm to Trump - was then passed on to John McCain, who passed it along to FBI Director (at the time) James Comey, who used it to kick off investigations of Trump's campaign for alleged collusion with Russia.

But the facts are that Hillary likely paid to get faked information from Russian sources, perhaps using some of the money (north of $100 million) that her Foundation got from other Russians who wanted to buy rights to American uranium (and were magically able to do so after Hillary approved the deal). So there's plenty of Russian collusion and interference with our election process, but involving the Clintons, the DNC, and (oh yeah!) Comey, Mueller, John Podesta, the State Department, and the FBI.

In the face of these two titanic scandals, Hillary will no doubt finally get what's coming to her - right?

Wrong. Because most Americans have no idea that these scandals even exist. Hillary's funding of the Russian Dossier is a yuuuge story (to quote President Trump), but when we checked online we couldn't find a single mention of it - or Uranium One - on the websites of CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, or CBS.

In fact, here's the only "scandal" NBC News is reporting:

Bill Clinton spent more than that on removing stains.
Sometimes conspiracy theories are based on real conspiracies - and such appears to be the case, yet again, with the Clintons, the Obama administration, and the rest of the thoroughly corrupt usual suspects.

But thanks to "The Silence of the Shams," the fake news outlets, the American people are being woefully uninformed and misinformed. 

While we don't always agree with Trump, maybe it is time for the FCC to start reviewing broadcast licenses to determine if the public interest, rather than special interests, are being served.